LLOWING RESPONSIBILITY

Adolescents need to know that their behavior or attitude is bugging parents. You can tell your adolescent about this without attacking the young person’s sense of self. “I was angry and worried sick when you didn’t come home until two hours later than you promised to be back.” Here the parent shares feelings, states specifically what has been upsetting and allows the adolescent to take some responsibility for his or her actions—but without accusing the adolescent of being untrustworthy, unreliable, a rotten kid, etc.

EVELOP THEIR OWN IDENTITY

Even in the most healthy family relationships, a certain amount of bickering will occur between adolescent and parents. Usually quarrels involve minor things, such as taking out the garbage or keeping one’s room neat. In part, adolescents argue because of their need to establish their own identity, not to reject mom or dad. Perhaps the squabbling also allows the actual physical separation from the family to be a bit easier for both adolescent and parents!

H, IT DOESN’T MATTER

Adolescents often mask their feelings with contradictory statements. For example, “It doesn’t matter anyway” almost always means “It matters a lot!” “I don’t care!” often means “I really care a great deal”. Remarks like these may suggest the adolescent needs talking time, someone to listen to what’s going on. Parents can best deal with such statements by responding to the feelings that may be being expressed rather than the words.

OVED AND VALUED

With all the changes adolescents are experiencing and with the occasional conflict between parent and adolescent, adolescents may question their sense of worth and value to significant others. On a regular basis, young people need to be told they are loved and valued. They also need hugs. Boys and girls! From mom and dad!

XPECT SUCCESS

Everyone needs to be successful in some area. Adolescents who do not find success in socially accepted ways often seek to find it in socially undesirable means. Parents can help the adolescent find areas where success is likely, remembering that the area must ultimately be the adolescent’s choice. Expectations placed on the young person should be in line with skills and aptitude.

HOWING VERSUS TELLING

Young people seldom change or improve behavior by having it pointed out to them what is wrong with their behavior. Change is more likely to occur when the desired behavior is modeled rather than taught. Adolescents are more likely to listen when they are listened to: they are less likely to abuse alcohol if parents do not: they are more likely to be accepting of parents when parents accept them.

ONSEQUENCES RATHER THAN PUNISHMENT

Adolescents still need enough structure in their lives to insure success in school and interpersonal relationships, but it is better to focus on consequences rather than punishments when rules are broken. Have a limited number of rules which are clearly stated and discussed with the young person. At the outset, the consequences for breaking a rule should be communicated clearly. Avoid ambiguous statements, such as “If you don’t do this, you’ll be sorry.” The result of rule-breaking is the consequence, not punishment - - and don’t allow the adolescent to convince you it is punishment.

VALUATE DECISIONS

As children move into adolescence, they increasingly need more practice at being in charge. Your control or authority as a parent gradually decreases, but this does not mean that influence ceases. With adolescents, parents become more of a coach and guide rather than a director. This means parents listen attentively, ask questions, and help the adolescent evaluate costs and benefits of a decision.

OT A PROBLEM

Young people tell us they need help in many ways. There are times when parents need support in getting their child through adolescence. Signals include withdrawal from friends and family, consistent rebelliousness at home, involvement with drugs, acting out sexually, poor grades, trouble with school or community authorities, and talk or indication of suicide. Most parents don’t have the training to deal with these problems: a counselor or therapist does. Parents should ask several key questions when deciding to seek help: Does my child have feeling of self-respect, adequacy and self worth? Does he or she feel good about who he/she is most of the time? If the answers to these are “no”, look for some help. And remember, the adolescent is NOT a problem. The adolescent HAS a problem.

HE MOST IMPORTANT GIFT

The most important gift parents can give a child is a positive self-concept. Adolescents who feel good about themselves most of the time are less vulnerable to pressure from peers. They are better able to solve problems and can deal more effectively with change in their lives. They can answer the question “Who am I? comfortably and confidently.